2021 now (keep in mind weve known each other since we were 6, now 22) Stopped talking in 2019 cause I screwed a lot up being a bad friend (during the aftermath she was too. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. And for people who arent just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say no to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. Once you give in to the temptation and reply to their message, you might be left utterly confused about their motivation for texting you. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else? Just ask, Why did you reach out to me after all this time? Your ex will likely be at a loss of words at first, but soon either give you the truth or half-truth. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. You must keep in mind that your ex (the dumper) decides what kind of a relationship is possible. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. However, the primary reason the no contact rule works is that you're not supposed to respond to your ex. Yes, I reached out to my first love. Theres no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. He'd called when I wasn't home, and I never returned his phone call. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. You gave her a chance and she blew it. It will only convey the message that you are still miserably hung up on them. When you reach out to a former friend from a place of support and no expectations others than to share a moment of connection, it can leave a lasting feeling of positive connection and appreciation for that persons having been there earlier in your life and when you reached back out in this period of uncertainty. What do you think? I think youre right. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. I know it can feel tempting to converse with your ex and convince your ex youve changed, matured, and become a better version of yourself, but thats not why exes reach out after years. Loneliness will cause us to scroll through our phones and contact people we wouldnt normally. I told him I am married now. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). When exes come back after no contact, it startles you for a second. Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. That usually means theyve contacted you for some companionship and not for anything serious. But how are you supposed to know that for sure? But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. When you know why he or she reached out, youll be able to decide whether talking to your ex is even a good idea. If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. I am still not sure if its a good idea. The only reason your ex is trying tore-establish contactis that they need some advice about a serious issue theyre having. He or she can take their pain and sorrow away and give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable. Since then he has reached out different ways every 3 years or so (emails, instagram) and I never replied. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. His best friend from high school saw me there and recognized me. But if youre with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. There was a certain sense of familiarity and comfort in your relationship which is simply hard to replace. I dont think there is a deep hidden meaning here. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? Shes now married with a kid and said being married is hard, having a family is hard. Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. I understand someone might just want a quick chat. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. After the X Date, the Treasury would be unable to pay about 40% of its bills, BPC said, based on an analysis of daily cash flows. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. 1. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. One conversation leads to two, two leads to three, and before you know it, youre arranging to Netflix and chill.. For some strange reasons, exes seem to pop up when were at our lowest, making it easy to forget about how terrible the relationship was and give in to their charms. I have no idea what to do. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. Its much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. The next thing you know, youre back in an unhealthy relationship because you were enticed by a moment of weakness. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. And if theres a new partner in the picture, the green-eyed monster might rear its ugly head. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. Learn how your comment data is processed. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. Theyll reveal whether your ex wants to keep you around out of convenience or if your ex has more selfless plans for you. later: Unfortunately, the knowledge that youre there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. There are some things only you know about your partner. like you said, no one would probably get much out of the interaction. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. Its been quite some time since she was a stepmom to your kids, so theres probably no need to message her now. My ex messaged me after a year. Invite them to join you for a drink to catch up, or suggest the two of you grab a coffee sometimes. If thats the case, theres no harm in having a casual conversation. While I was in I met my now ex while she was going to college, we really hit it off and dated for 3 years. Thats why he or she breaks the rules of no contact that he or she has been following religiously and gives you some of your power back. His entire purpose was to find out truth from me. But if youve received an adequate amount of closure after breaking up with them and actually have been able to move on, it could be easier to respond or even ignore the text. We'd dated in high school, and our break-up was sudden and immature. You were friends before getting involved in a relationship, and becoming a couple destroyed your friendship. This is super interesting as information. She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. You might know this from what you have heard from your mutual friends. In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. Unfortunately, when they show up like this and vent about their problems on you, then disappear again, it just creates frustration and emotional turmoil for you. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Yes, it is very common for exes to get back together years later. But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. You might be able to tell perhaps by their tone that your ex is reaching out because they're bored, lonely, or having a tough time moving. When we experience a sense of danger or face threats, most of us immediately are driven to seek out our support network members. They want to hear it from you directly. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. This helps us in two different ways. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. In my last relationship, I left the guy to be with my now husband. How many do, I don't know. After some thought, I decided not to write my ex back, and to treat the apology with a little bit of stoicism. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Most adults in their 40s and up spent long hours on the telephone as teenagersthey were the way we deepened friendships, kindled romances, and were able to comfortably whisper our deepest secrets or express our angerwhen there was no other way to get close to the friend, romantic interest, or ex-romantic interest. Now that theyre dealing with issues concerning the things only you know about, theyve got no one else to turn to. If your relationship was healthy, you might not feel the need to speak to the person, or you may still have them in your life. After carefully analyzing every possibility, when you finally respond, it turns out all they wanted was the phone number of your dog groomer. So, we have jotted down these 8 points for you to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. After reading his message im not sure if I should reply. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, its better to leave the text on seen. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. Also, if you had fixable problems in your relationship that they didnt solve when you were together, they might have changed that about themselves and pop up in an attempt to show off or get you back. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment for ridiculous reasons. Takeaway It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. As you say, it was likely just an attempt to ease her guilt. When people are experiencing anxiety and fear about their health and well-being, and uncertainty has become the weather and the climate," they often want to make amends with people from their pasts. I realised after a few weeks that I was the only one initiating again. I did some things in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. 6. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. I had never mentioned it to him as since I had miscarried it didnt seem like there was anything to discuss. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. hat would hurt him? No one says you need to entertain them. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. A really long time and the fact she is reaching out shows something is happening there. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. "Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. Many a time, people end a relationship in haste without thinking it through. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? Theres no doubt you had mind-blowing sex with your ex, but that was all there was to the relationship. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. No matter what the scenario is, it will take some time to settle your thoughts if you have to handle an ex coming back years later. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. Stay out of contact with him, Al. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. Reaching out to an ex years later can play out in one of two ways, you either connect with each other again or nothing good comes of it. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. If that's what he needs from me I'm afraid my reaction might not offer much comfort. I just mean that we still had feelings for a long time.) Heartbreak Burnout. later: 1. One impulsive move can shatter everything. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. They're angry with you. 10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. Our same chemistry was there, and I still found him lovable and attractive. Exes might get back together if the reasoning for a breakup was mutual or based on uncontrollable life circumstances. It felt good verifying that intuition. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants. You are right that there probably isn't a deeper meaning t9 it. I saw them looking around. After their first failed romance after yours, they realize that the vision they had of what it might be like to be with someone else isnt all it was cracked up to be. When an ex contacts you years later, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it, says Jaseena, If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, youre probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. This is a possibility if you ended the relationship on good terms. The most harmless case might be that your ex-partner is just checking in on you to learn how you are doing in life. Closure is not something you can give someone or receive from someone. When an ex contact you years after the breakup, your ex wants to get something from you. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it's OK.. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. If you're hesitant to use a video call, a phone call can be as intimate and connective as a video call. Different people have different norms around contact and friendship over time and after a relationship ends. A part of me feels like I need to give him closure and I'm not sure how? On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. If you are in a monogamous relationship and your exs texting you is making your heart throb in your stomach, you need to spill it to your partner. I dont care why youre reaching out now. He agreed. Talking to an ex after years can haunt you with memories, so buckle up. If you dont want to reply, you dont have to and you frankly shouldnt. Such dumpers often get nostalgic, hurt, and depressed so they contact an ex they used to be close to and come running back faster than greased lightning. (in 1997 she broke off an engagement she was 22 and I was 28). September 8, 2022 by Zan. Thank you for your article very insightful. Its okay if your ex doesnt contact you, Linda. He cheated on me more than once and I developed trust issues. Before she had the chance to process this heartbreak, this ex-partner resurfaced out of nowhere. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. It was like a weight lifted. Do exes come back after leaving for someone else? When were scared, we long for the familiar, and right now, many of us are afraid or concerned in ways that we havent been before ever in our lives. Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. If you have a partner, think of them as well. Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. It helps us feel less alone and like were among others when we do video calls, but they also can drain energy when youre also spending long days on work video conferences. Don't immediately reply and take some time to think it over to figure out what you ultimately want out of this interaction. Perhaps they have even started dating soon after the breakup. Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. Im not sure if Im doing the right thing. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. Exes sometimes need years to process the breakup and find reasons to communicate. They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, so they remember their exes and use them as a backup plan. Don't get comfortable and slide back into old habits. Unfortunately her apology still seemed to blame a heap of her guilt on me. Why did they have to reappear when things were just about to get fine? thoughts like these come and go, wrecking your peace of mind. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. Since you can never really know why they contacted you, you shouldnt make assumptions about anything. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. But at the same time, youre curious as to why they are reaching out. Ex Royal Marine, 34, who was forced out of the military after he developed tinnitus and hearing loss when 'useless' earplugs 'fell out' during training exercises wins 700,000 payout You and your ex may not be friends on social media, but theyve managed to gain access to your page, and they know all about the wonderful life youre living without them. She purposely chose to ignore it. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. Anyways, I was young and didn't handle the situation well. And also, if youre looking for 1-on-1 help with your ex, check out our coaching page. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know SoFar, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms, Best Hookup Sites: Top 30 Free Hookup Apps and Websites for Getting LaidTonight. This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. In all honesty, there is no "after no contact" as no contact is . 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. We do not have a friendship, and never had one outside of our relationship. But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. An ex could disappear by ignoring you or by ending the conversation and staying out of contact afterward. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. It was so dumb, just irrational avoidance and not being ready yetThe five-year gap was apparently not enough, lol. Now theyve matured, they realize how terrible of a partner they were and how their actions could have caused you to have trust issues. But that alone wont help you gain closure. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. They broke up in 2007 because Prince William thought he was too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth. You live separate lives now and he needs to respect that. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. Thanks to you, I got myself together :)) We suggested you to not reply too soon when exes come back after no contact. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Until you reach 41 weeks, your provider may not do anything unless there are problems. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. But for that to happen, your ex has to suffer and change his or her opinion of you. Even if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner, says Jaseena. She said marriage is hard, so its possible she finally reflected and realized she was very mean to you after the breakup. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. We're all human. If your ex contacted you during no contact years after the breakup, you have an important decision to make. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. Yeah - no. He or she controls everything up until the point when he or she suggests a certain type of relationship. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. Friendships are funny thingssome of the relationships you think are the deepest are really reflecting more about the intensity of that time in your life, not the genuine depth of the relationship. They just want you to know theyre sorry. PostedMay 1, 2020 There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! Theyre literally just checking up on you to see if youre well. Instant replies hint at either interest or an unfulfilling life and even if both might be true, dont let your ex pick up on that. At the time he has decided to respect my body my choice and never asked me directly about the truth of the rumor. Maybe it is best to let it be. . When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. And think of yourself first. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore), What To Do When An Ex Reaches Out After Years, Is It Common For Exes To Get Back Together Years Later. He also had trust issues before we got together. He was. You are busy. So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. Due to pride, they dont get back together immediately, get on with their lives, and date other people. That is, why exactly exes pop up after a breakup in the first place? Before you start having two-hour-long conversations with your ex after midnight, think about how your current partner will feel. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. I'd suspected he had too. I wished him well too. You can also use the online chat. Some of our newly rediscovered friendships may very well pick back up and grow in their meaning in your lives, as theyll reflect the shared experience of the pandemic anxiety and fallout that is happening as the friendship is heating back up. Just take your time. In fairness, you were in your teens when you got together, and they were clueless about relationships. After several failed relationships, your ex has realized they want you back. Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?"